A Secret

Can I tell you a secret?

I don't always enjoy being a stay at home mom...in fact some days are just down right miserable and I find that I spend my day in tears between doing the usual housework and taking care of the boys. One thing about being a stay at home mom is that you are alone and I mean ALONE. Why do I do it? Because I refuse to spend $1800 a month for daycare. Spending that would leave me with maybe $600 extra...not including the need to put gas in the car so there goes another $200, leaving us with an extra $400 a month. Kind of pointless to work 40+ hours a week, plus commute time for only $400 a month and only seeing the boys for a couple hours a day. At least with the small job I have it brings in, after gas each week, is $400 and I get to be with my boys ALL day long and not miss a single thing. I can work anytime I want when they are in Kindergarten. I can't get these years back so I will be here with them even though it's a 50/50 shot as to whether it will be a day I am all smiley and love to be with them or whether I am in tears and hating the fact that I don't know a single stay at home mom to do things with or take turns watching each others children so that the other can get a small break to do something just for herself.

There are a million Mommy & Me classes out there, which are great if you have one kid. I have two kids in different age groups so how do you do classes with two babies and can't be in two places at once so those are kind of pointless.

The last time I was at a lunch with friends was when Joshua was 2mths old. It kind of depresses one to think that because I don't seem to talk about anything other than my family and boys I can't go to lunch anymore. I also don't seem busy compared to other people. If someone were to ask my on Thursday if I could come to dinner on Saturday the answer would easily be yes. Why? I don't know...we don't run errands on the weekend, because well, what errands are there to run? We pay our bills online. The only errands we have is grocery shopping, maybe hitting a home improvement store, or getting animal feed from the general store. I know every one's schedule in this house so it's easy to give an answer right away. When I write a lot about my family, the boys, or just being a stay at home mom, it is because I don't have anything else to talk about. No one invites us over for BBQ's or out to dinners. It's hard because we invite people over and over again even though I'm pretty sure we'll be turned down...I at least know in my heart that we at least keep attempting.

It is extremely lonely being a stay at home mom. I rarely see an adult and I spend my days with my boys. Let me tell you a little about my day so you can see where I am coming from.  I don't lay in bed till 8 or 9 in the morning. In fact this is how my day starts off...at 3:30am Raul's alarm goes off, I lay in bed and listen to him getting ready for work. At 4-4:15am he comes and kisses me good-bye and I listen to his truck leave the yard. I rarely go back to sleep...once I am awake it can take me an hour or more to fall back to sleep. I need to get up at 5:30am for my small job that helps to supplement our income and allows me to be with my boys every day. At 6:00am both boys are usually awake and will be dressed and out the door we go. We are back home by 7:30am where we get breakfast. I am on my feet all day running around after the babies, whether it be inside the house, outside, at the park, or at a play place. Most days if we are home, Matthew will sleep from 9:30am-1pm (sometimes less). Joshua is hit or miss...if he really wants or needs a nap he will take one right after lunch...most days though he won't take one at all so he is awake from 6am-9pm or later. If we are home Tuesday through Friday we need to leave the house at 3:15pm for my job and will return home at 4:45-5pm depending on how traffic was. I then set the boys up with some sort of game, movie, book, etc while I get dinner going. If we are really lucky (which is just the winter months) Daddy will be home around 5:30pm. If it's the summer months we won't expect him home until 6:30pm or later...just last week two days he didn't come home until almost 8pm so for two days he never even got to see Matthew. After dinner, which is around 6:30 the boys get baths and ready for bed. Matthew will get his milk and go down for the night by 7:30pm. Joshua wants to draw, read stories, build towers, etc before he finally settles down in his bed. Like I said this could be 9pm or later. Don't balk at this...our oldest has had serious sleep issues from day one so this is an improvement to have him sleep in his bed, whether he goes to bed at 7pm or 10pm. So, that is just a sneak peek at my day. This won't go into all the details about how I somehow manage to keep the house cleaned to a point, meals cooked, shower, and try to go to the bathroom by myself every single day. Some days I realize that only the boys have been fed and I am still running on empty. When summer hits and Raul works the long hours it is easy to start feeling like a single parent. Since Raul works six days a week most of the time the house and yard fall to me. So not only do I try to maintain the house and do minor repairs I also get on the tractor and mow the lawn, pick up the farm stuff, and feed the livestock.

Yes, I am tired, but sometimes it would be nice to have our friends know that we are also people that need to be included in things. In order to start that off we are throwing a party for the boys at the end of next month. Joshua is very excited and we can't wait to see the RSVP's and see how many of their little friends come to their "Big Boy Party".